Possible Drop in the number of suicide bombings?
Apparently there has been a significant drop in the number of suicide bombings in the UK (and even further abroad) which has been put down to the emergence of that Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like that they are not so keen on matyrdom, going to paradise, and particularly the promised 72 virgins.
British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( or B.O.O.M. ) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between taking what we can get and just flagging the whole cause. It's not like we can drop the clause or suddenly change the rewards to "72 camels", the reprinting costs would be absolutely prohibitive, let alone the loss of face due to the sudden turn around."
Spokespersons for the Suicide Bombers Union in the Oceania, New Zealand, and the entire Australian continent stated that they have long had trouble getting followers for the cause in their area of operations as "It was hard enough for us, we had to import our operatives anyway as locals just won't believe there are significant numbers of virgins in this region. But this is just an underhanded and devastating blow to our cause".
Senior members of the American Suicidal Sacrificers for the Holy Order of Laws Everlasting Society (A.S.S.H.O.L.E.S.) were either unwilling or unable to respond when questioned in Guantanamo.